


Please Stay with Me

by GonerLoner



Series: vent fics [13]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hope, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Hwang Hyunjin Needs a Hug, Hwang Hyunjin-centric, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Breakdown, Panic Attacks, the rest is mentioned - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:00:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26379985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GonerLoner/pseuds/GonerLoner
Summary: Hyunjin has reached his breaking point - and breaks down after too many hours of practicing alone.But Minho's there, renewing the promise of never leaving his side - just like the rest of Stray Kids.
Series: vent fics [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1269089
Comments: 2
Kudos: 143





	Please Stay with Me

**Author's Note:**

> I- uh. I don't know what to say.
> 
> TW// Descriptions of panic attacks and there's a tiny bit where it's implied that Hyunjin wants to keep hurting himself
> 
> Okay, this is well and truly a vent fic in any way possible because I wrote the first part while breaking down in tears myself. But I think that if I hadn't written this, I probably would have done something else to let go of that horrible, horrible tension and the itching under my skin that had started since this morning.  
> I'm disgusted over what I keep reading about W**jin and oh boy... no. Just no. Even if he proves to be innocent, my trust in him is over - I will remove the one-shot I posted a few days ago. Thinking that I wrote something where I put Chan as the villain (kinda) - even if it fitted with the idea I had and doesn't reflect at all what I think about him irl... no, I'll remove this one. I feel so disgusted at myself, thinking that W**jin was such a sweet, shy guy who kept the group together so well.
> 
> Well, sike, lol.
> 
> I'll probably also remove the series I wrote around the time of his departure last year - though I'm not sure of that yet. It helped me to write the pieces and to cope with it and it seems like the stories had helped quite a few other people too.   
> But now that I think that he doesn't seem to be the person we all thought he was... it feels like it's all been a big, fat lie.   
> And well. Before I break down and do anything to myself, I tried to write something to let go of these feelings.  
> Please don't read if you're still too hurting or if the descriptions of a breakdown trigger you - and keep in mind, I wrote this while sobbing myself so it's not the best most likely. Aand i've barely edited it, as like all my vent pieces.
> 
> Sorry for the big rant... I hope you guys are doing okay. Sending you hugs and warm kithes xx <3

Bury me, just leave me to sleep in the dirt.

Finish me, I'm floating away - there's a demon staring straight through your eyes. Am I wasting my time?

Something's dying inside of me!

_ -Asking Alexandria, “The Black” _

  
  


Hyunjin stared down at his hands. They were shaking, tremoring in sync with his shuddering breath.

The music continued to thunder around him, but he couldn’t move.

Slowly, like in slow-motion, weary eyes lifted to stare into the mirrors in front of him and what he saw wasn’t a face he recognized.

His breath left him in a slow, deliberate exhale.

And then, he broke down with a scream.

Hands fisted into his hair, his chest was tearing itself apart, his knees hit the ground with a sickening crack.

_ Why couldn’t he breathe, why was there no air, noairnoair- _

His muscles tensed, tears streaming down his face and his hands tore at the long strands around his face.

Why was this happening now,  _ why now, why now, why- _

Hyunjin whimpered, tipping to the side. Sobs wracked his body, sweat cooling on the exposed skin of his arms and neck. The practice room was cold even though he had been dancing for the last three hours. The mirrors maybe had fogged up at some point. 

Could anyone hear him? Who even was here anymore?

Nails dug into his scalp, pain tingling down his neck and a heart-wrenching sob, hard and desperate like a cough with a throat full of tears, fell from his lips. 

_ Why wasn’t there anyone, he needed someone to save, save, save him- _

_ He was drowning- _

His chest was burning, on fire with the need to breathe and spots danced behind his closed eyes. Cries and sobs went unheard with the loud music covering them up, Hyunjin’s body shaking with the force of tears that had been building up for  _ weeks _ .

How long did this go on?

He barely registered the sound of the opening door. Or did he?

Didn’t that mean there was someone there?

Here to help him?

_ Oh goodness, no, don’t let them see you like this- _

He curled up, tighter, tighter, tighter, to hide away from everything around him.

A tiny gasp. Rushed steps crossed the room to stop next to the music system and turned it off. In the resulting silence, Hyunjin was all too aware of the harsh breaths and pants he was releasing, pressing a hand to his mouth and biting down on his fingers to silence himself. His skin was tingling, the muscles tensing and burning. His teeth dug deeper, he needed to  _ hurt, hurt, hurt- _

“Hyunjin!” The sound of knees hitting the floor behind him and he flinched, pressing deeper into the floor with a whimper. He didn’t know left from right, he just wanted to  _ disappear, disappear, disappear- _

“Hyunjinnie, hey, honey…” A soft, urgent voice broke through the fog in his head. Hands touched his shoulders and he recoiled with a whimper. His skin still tingled, hurt, burned-

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry, Jinnie,” the voice whispered and Hyunjin recognized it. Minho.

“Okay... No touching.” The rustling of clothes and then, Minho was crouching in front of Hyunjin, close to his face.

“Jinnie, sweetie.” Minho’s calm, honey voice lightened the dark clouds of his thoughts, and the bruising grip his teeth had on his fingers relaxed slowly. “Can you open your eyes for me?”

Still shaken by tremors and sobs, Hyunjin shook his head, whimpering. 

A slow exhale. “Okay… okay. Listen to me, okay? Try to focus on my voice. I’m not going anywhere - I’m here for you.”

And wasn’t that what Hyunjin had wanted? For someone to be there while he was breaking down. For someone to get him out of this hellhole of pain.

“Try to inhale, Jinnie. Slowly. I’m gonna count to four - try to inhale until I reach four, okay?” He paused until Hyunjin’s minimal nod showed that he was listening. “Okay. Then, I’ll count to three and you’ll try to hold that breath, then let it go slowly. I’ll be counting to six. Do you think you can do that for me?”

Hyunjin wasn’t so sure - but he would try. So, he nodded slowly.

“Okay, alright - so… inhale, Jinnie. One...two…” Hyunjin took a shuddering breath, trying to draw it out because Minho was counting slow. His chest protested. 

“Three...four… you’re doing so well, Jinnie.” A slow, gentle smile was coloring Minho’s voice bright and Hyunjin latched on to it, clawing his way out of the darkness of his thoughts.

“Okay, now try to hold it. One… two…”

Hyunjin’s breath rushed out too fast and his hands tensed, his thoughts stopping. He startled to tremble again.

“No, no, it’s okay, Jinnie - let’s start over again.” A small pause. “Can… can I touch you now?”

Hyunjin didn’t move for several moments but nodded eventually.

Nothing happened for a few more seconds and then, a tentative, gentle touch started on his shoulder, trailing down to his arms and when he didn’t flinch back, Minho’s gentle hands wormed their way between his fingers.

“Focus on me, okay?” 

Hyunjin breathed out slowly and nodded.

Several minutes of guided breathing later, he was relaxing slowly, his eyes opening with an exhausted fluttering. For a second, the floor was the only thing he was seeing.

He glanced up and Minho’s knees, clad into black joggers, came into view.

“Hey.” Minho leaned down to meet his gaze, his eyes narrowing with his gentle smile. Worry creased the skin around them and Hyunjin swallowed.

“There you are. Do you think you can sit up?”

Hyunjin blinked, tightened his grip on Minho’s hand, and nodded, letting Minho help him to get in a sitting position. He closed his eyes, dizziness making his head swim again - when was the last time he ate something?

“Why- I thought there was no-one here anymore, hyung.” Hyunjin’s voice was shot, cracking on the last syllable.

Minho glanced away. “Well… there were only six of us in the dorm. I came to check up on Chan-hyung originally but he told me we should pick you up too when we leave.”

Concerned and burning eyes stared into his own. “You’ve been here for the last- how many hours?”

Hyunjin looked down, shrugging in a helpless manner. 

Minho sighed, leaning back again. He pulled off the jacket he was wearing over his black sweater - which, as the jacket, was much too big on him - and draped it over Hyunjin’s shoulders, standing. “Come, let’s go home. The boys are waiting for us - I told Felix and Jisung they should build a blanket fort that fits all of us.”

Hyunjin stared ahead, blinking as he still tried to process the warmth of the jacket around his shoulders. 

There was still positivity? Was there still something to look forward to?

It all had seemed so hopeless just a few hours ago…

Minho saw him hesitating and crouching in front of him again. “Jinnie, hey.” Fingers touched his chin and lifted it until he was looking in Minho’s sharp, concerned face. “We’re here for you, okay? You’re not alone in this - we’ll get through it together. And we’ll stay with you - all of us.” He smiled, softly and full of love.

Hyunjin’s lower lip trembled and his hand clenched.

There was so much evil around him, so many people betraying them, what did love even mean anymore? Hyunjin had lost his faith in the meaning of the word.

But at the same time, when he looked at Minho, at Chan, Changbin, Jisung, Felix, Seungmin, and Jeongin - he still felt that burning need of wanting to be close to them, wanting them to be happy. He wanted… he needed them. They had all grown so close to his heart but now more than ever Hyunjin was afraid of losing them. He didn’t think he could bear it if they… if even one of them turned their back on him.

Maybe… what he felt when he was looking at them was the definition of love.

“P-promise?” he asked, his voice wobbly.

Minho raised his hand, his pinky outstretched towards Hyunjin. “Pinky promise. We’ll always stay with you.”

With a cough that was closer to a sob, Hyunjin hooked his pinky finger around Minho’s before falling forward and catching Minho in a desperate embrace.

Minho’s arms came up around his waist and he groaned as they both hit the floor but his hold on Hyunjin was strong like he wanted to keep him from falling apart and it soothed the burning need for closeness in Hyunjin’s chest. 

He pressed a kiss to Hyunjin’s sweat-covered forehead. “It’s okay, hm? I’m here. Let’s go home together - Chan-hyung is waiting for us.”

Hyunjin grumbled but before he could answer, the door to the practice room opened and careful steps of sneaker-clad feet entered the room.

“Oh.” Chan’s voice was quiet, rough. “Hyunjinnie… Oh goodness, I’m sorry, I should have checked the rooms earlier…” His steps came closer and he crouched next to the hugging pair.

“It’s okay, Hyungie.” A gentle smile was still present in Minho’s voice. “He’s… somewhat okay again. Hm, Hyunjinnie?”

Hyunjin nodded timidly and looked up.

Chan was wearing his usual black attire - but his hoodie and joggers (joggers!) were baggier than usual, the hood was drawn over his head and a cap sitting under it, drawn deep into his face. He was wearing a black facemask, so Hyunjin couldn’t see his full expression. 

His eyes though… they were too shadowed, blood-shot like he had been crying like Hyunjin had before and the thought alone of their leader breaking down in tears tore Hyunjin’s heart in two.

He exhaled then freed himself from Minho’s embrace, locking his arms around Chan’s neck instead and pressing close to him.

“Wha-” Chan stiffened but it only lasted a second before he went on his knees and pulled Hyunjin close, exhaling into his neck.

“Guess we all need to stay close to each other this evening, hm?” Minho’s soft voice broke through the silence blanketing the room and Chan huffed soundlessly. 

“Oh yes, please… I don’t know, but…” He tightened his grip on Hyunjin, hiding his expression from them. “It feels like too long that I’ve had such an evening with you guys.”

“Then don’t stay at the studio for so long anymore. We all need that closeness to stay sane,” Minho chided him, concerned but stern. “And… Please remember. We’ll stay together, okay? We’re eight. Eight forever. And nothing will change that.”

The words made Chan flinch, his nails digging into Hyunjin’s shirt and Hyunjin was reminded of the promise they once made. Hadn’t it once been another number? Another number that was supposed to stay… to stay until the end?

Eventually, he relaxed his grip on Hyunjin and they both stood, Hyunjin wrapping himself in the blanket Minho put around his shoulders.

“Come, I’ll get your bag, Jinnie.” With hollow eyes but a warm chest, Hyunjin watched Minho tidy up the practice room while Chan and him were waiting, closely pressed together.

On the ride home, Hyunjin sat between them, his fingers tangled between Minho’s and his head laying down on Chan’s shoulder.

“Chan-hyung?” he whispered.

“Hm?” Soft fingers carded through the strands that had fallen from his ponytail.

“Promise… promise that you never leave… never leave us alone.”

Chan sucked in a sharp breath, his movements stilling. “I promise, Jinnie,” he said, his voice thick with emotion. “I’ll stay with you.”

_ And that promise was enough for Hyunjin. _

My love is just waiting to turn your tears to roses.

My love is a burning, consuming fire!

No, you’ll never be alone - when darkness comes, I’ll light the night with stars, hear the whispers in the dark!

_ -Skillet, “Whispers in the Dark” _

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> xx <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3


End file.
